Cesyli
- Jan 27, 2022
- 6 min read

Keys to Confidence

Updated: Jan 29, 2022

Confidence. Perhaps, one of the most misjudged terms. For some, this looks overzealous and overbearing, but I think at its core, confidence is what moves us from thinking about doing something to actually pursuing it. It is the belief in yourself that you are strong, capable and ready. Pretty powerful, right?

For one reason or another, confidence can be difficult. Sometimes it feels like it’s been pulled from us like a dementor’s ability to pull happiness from someone’s soul. It can just happen. Time after time of being knocked down and eventually, it gets harder to push forward. If you’re reading this and you’ve felt that, I see you and there are individuals out there standing by to help you take the steps to improvement like Cyndi Lukk, founder of Zenerosity, Tana Vigus, owner of Heart & Soul Fitness in Concord or Itzel Hayward of Attuned Living. But, my arena isn’t adults, it’s children.

Child development is where I spend most of my research and when I hit those lows, I thought, “How can I prevent my child from being here?” So, I grabbed a stack of books, turned on Ted Talks, and chatted it up with a few local experts to bounce ideas off of them. Here’s what I know:

It’s not as complicated as we think.

This is what I mean: Building confidence can be as simple as seeing an activity and thinking “That looks difficult, I’m not sure I can do it.” but then trying it anyway. You might struggle with it. You might think, “This is harder than I thought.” But, you keep making that choice to come back and try again so that ultimately you can be successful. Even though there will almost certainly be moments of failure.

Now, for some of us, we’ve been conditioned to see something hard and think, “If I can’t do this perfectly on the first attempt, I will not try.” Those are some dangerous thoughts, but the reality is that we’re conditioned to them. We are conditioned to believe that perfection is the key to success, but as a human, I can tell you that the moments that I have made mistakes are the same moments where I have learned the most.

STEM or STEAM

So, the question then moves from, "How do I build confidence?" to "how can I spark the opportunity to try?" This right here, is why STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, & Math) or STEAM (addition of the Arts) education is so valuable. The keys to confidence are built in. Take coding, that’s a hot topic! So many people are interested in giving their kiddo the skillset to code in order to have an understanding as they age. So, they set them up with cool programs that typically involve some level of block coding. These programs are designed to become more complex. They start out with one movement. Then two. Three… until they have an entire program written to control objects. What you don’t see in these moments are the tiny little wins. The tiny little “Whoa! I did that!” The first few you might, but eventually, they will rock those moments on their own. Mistakes will happen, but they will have had enough triumphs that those mistakes just mean that they keep going. This, this is why STEAM is such a significant aspect of Voyager. The benefits never cease. There is always more to learn and endless opportunities for growth.

Now, the trick with creating opportunities to build confidence is that your baseline task cannot be so complex that the risk of failure repeatedly is imminent. In other words, Calculus is a really awesome subject, but it is really interesting when you have been given the skillset that helps to make sense of it, until then it is likely overwhelming. The same is true for your children. If you give them tasks that appear too difficult, when there is no real chance for them to succeed independently, there is also no real opportunity to build confidence.

This can also be part of why a child struggles with school. Think of Common Core as a continuum. The standards gradually become more difficult as the child progresses from one subject competency to the next. The problem arises when a student doesn’t grasp the concept being taught completely. When the next several topics are being discussed, the child’s inability to grasp the first one can become more and more problematic. If those hurdles continue to be unaddressed and the subsequent topics increase in difficulty, you may find a child who struggles to begin an assignment, not for a lack of interest, but because the work has reached a point where it has become too difficult. The solve then becomes determining where the gap in knowledge is and working to help the child overcome it. Provide your child with the ability to relearn those topics giving many opportunities for them to show off their skills and teach you how to complete different tasks. Ask questions, be supportive and let your academic superstar confidently soar into new competencies.

Confidence doesn’t stop there, perhaps one of the most beautiful things about confidence is the sheer ability to build it in so many different ways.

Play

Let’s talk play. Play is quite possibly one of the most underrated aspects of childhood. For some reason, we tend to think of playing and learning as two separate topics, but they are actually one and the same. Play offers tremendous benefits, from boosting creativity to developing motor skills, encouraging collaboration and even building confidence! Now, how is it possible to use play as a source for cultivating confidence? Chris Pancoast, author of Why Play says that parallel play is key. Parallel play occurs when two children are playing next to each other without interacting directly. This type of play can be inclusive of other types (like my personal fav, risky play) but gives children the opportunity to operate independently of one another. The reason why this is so beneficial is that children have the opportunity to explore, observe and even mimic others, but on their own terms. If they are painting together, you may see one child use an idea from another or may see a child explore mixing colors and mediums. This offers confidence building because it encourages a child to try something that they may not have, giving them the opportunity to accomplish something new.

Now, risky play is what it sounds like, the idea of children taking risks through play. Have you ever seen a child climb up a slide? Learn to ride a bike? Practice some solid climbing skills on the couch? Taking risks are a fantastic way for a child to gain confidence. Many extracurricular activities garner this benefit simply because it helps children to realize that they are capable of doing some amazing things! Getting out into nature is a great way to incorporate risk play. It is also a great way to help your child (and you!) relax. Studies show that being out in nature for as little as ten minutes has a calming effect on humans, while being outdoors for 30 minutes can actually decrease blood pressure, decrease stress and anxiety too! There is so much to discover and so many avenues for children to push further than they ever thought possible. So get out there and reach those summits! The only thing stopping you is you and perhaps the background knowledge over family friendly trails, a few water bottles, snacks and a first aid kit is great too! ;)

Specific Positive Feedback and Journaling

Alright, next up… Specific Positive Feedback. This is a throwback to my days as a gymnastics teacher for preschool friends. It turns “Good job!” into “Wow! I love how you persevered and reached the top of the play structure!” Specifically calling out what your child did that impressed you. It takes an ordinary compliment and helps a child to understand exactly what was so great. This also gives the opportunity to have special moments at the end of the day to just relish in how totally awesome your child is. Just before bed, break out journals and talk about the day. Give your child the opportunity to speak first. Ask questions like “What were you thankful for today?” or follow books that can be an outline for you. Having these little moments to work through the magic of the day and even things that weren’t so magical can provide the chance to shout out different moments that maybe just got too busy to give the attention they deserved. Help build your child’s confidence by showing them that they are capable, that even when crummy situations occur they recover and are better able to accomplish new challenges. Those smiles before bed and help to problem solve difficult encounters can only do good things for the road ahead.

So friends, it turns out that confidence can be created from so many different experiences. From those big, bold moments that seem to live on in your mind forever to the tiniest few moments before bed and everything in between. As you read this and move forward in a new day with your child, remember, you are magnificent. You can not only do hard things, but you can move mountains. Days can be tough, but confidence will push you forward, and you, you have the keys.

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